Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture