Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
that wasn’t the question
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.