{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
When you’re Kinky but poor
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Florida man
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
This has made my week.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.