DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me