I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
This forever.