Welcome to the stomach
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Hero horse inspires millions
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me checking my bank balance online.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.