dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me irl
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
favorite tropes as memes
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.