[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?