*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more