During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Bootstraps
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*