“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*