[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.