The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?