During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.