{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
when the buffet is more honest than your date
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole