Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You Might Also Like
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Never go to sleep after making me angry
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.