[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.