[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
North and South
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
You learn something every day
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it