@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
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@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@That_Damn_Duck: Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.