[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Lassie, get help!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.