[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!