{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The game has officially changed 😎
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.