[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.