[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
who did the taste test?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud