[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Strangers have the best candy.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you breakdance you buy dance.