*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
He just like my cat fr
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Beware of fowl play.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*