[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”