[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers