After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?