[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Quadruple digit IQ
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?