When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On