During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*