[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
You Might Also Like
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
even bears disappoint their mothers
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…