Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite