Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m giving up for Lent.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.