@UnFitz: Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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@goldengateblond: Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
@missrobotnik: The ladies in my knitting club think it's hilarious when I greet them by saying, "Sup, my knittas?!"
@GianDoh: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
@MissNaughty1801: My mother in law:did you put the weight on? Me:no...actually I've lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you