Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway