@UnFitz: Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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@KenJennings: *Jesus comes into the house* Judas: Jesus, close the door! Were you born in a barn? *room gets super quiet* Judas: Uh right. I forgot. Sorry
@rickolantern: Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
@jamespianka: "And the award for Most British Name goes to..." *Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed* "Helena Bonha-" *spews*
@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.