@murrman5: "I'm sorry but it's only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms" [octopus glove shopping] "this is unacceptable"

@JimmerThatisAll: I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

@darth: BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LITTLE PUPPER

@SeanEmeny: Being a fat guy at McDonald's is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@dreamthievin: One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song