Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand