Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
there has never been a better use of this meme
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.