@bencoffeehall: Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
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@MartaEffing: My date thinks he's gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants. The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I'm wearing a skirt.
@schmittsteve: "Why won't you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?" [ sigh ] "You're a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe." [ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
@JumbledButts: Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."
@lecalabara: Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
@DamienFahey: I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."
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