Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone