Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
#merica
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.