Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You Might Also Like
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.