Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
You Might Also Like
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
had to share :’)
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.