Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles