[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I didn’t realize that was an option
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
There is wisdom there.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.