Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke