Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.