“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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Jupiter
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I think this should do it.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out