if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u