@Terdoh: Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.
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@SadPeruna: Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
@slimmy_shady: MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
@GrantTanaka: "Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."
@MatCro: COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this