@SteveSuckington: Eat shit dude! No seriously, it's good for your eyes. You've never seen a dog with glasses have you?
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@dubstep4dads: [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd
@SirEviscerate: WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night. ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That's weird.