@SteveSuckington: Eat shit dude! No seriously, it's good for your eyes. You've never seen a dog with glasses have you?
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@theshamingofjay: [interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"
@daemonic3: [gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying] "It's negative" Lemme see it [reads] 'Not prego. Just fat. And ugly' Wow that's really negative
@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.