Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?