Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music